THE SECRET SOMEONE

It has been 2 years since I last wrote here. Hmm~ I don't really know what got me caught up 'til I had NO time.. I repeat NO time to drop my ideas here. 😓

Since the long silence, many things had come and go. MANY.. or should I say MUCH!! Everything came too fast, too difficult for me to handle. But somehow, Allah made me pull through all those things.

Well... almost everything. All but one thing I'm still waiting to make things undone. I hoped that this thing won't happen. If only time could be turned back to where I wasn't like I am today.

WHAT??

Hmm.. I fell for my colleague. I just don't know how it happened, but it just did. 😢😢😢😢 Probably because I tried helping him out of his unintended problems.

Eldest from 13 siblings. He was a pious gentleman. He was kind, shy & timid. He even tried avoiding eye-contacts. Probably he had been well-educated with good Islamic values. Alhamdulillah~ 😄 We became quite close in 2015. 

But it came to a sudden stop after Hari Raya!! He had someone in his heart. And the someone is also my colleague. At that point of time, my heart was simply crashed!! 😢😢😢😢😢 Well it was my fault though for not telling him how I felt for him. WHY didn't I tell him so?? AGE BARRIER!! Yup. It was simply because of our age difference. I was 31 and he was 24. A 7-year difference. Haishhh~ Somehow, he began to change~

Though I was crying & torn inside, I still prayed that he will lead a happy life with the person he had chosen. Alhamdulillah, she was also from the similar background as his, Islamic. I hoped Allah give me strength to undergo all those unwanted feelings deep inside my heart. Many things happened along the way into the new year.

2016 arrived. I survived watching the person I loved (whom I kept secret) to be so happy with his other half. I've decided to move on, and let the things I've gone through just pass by. I was determined. Someone will be hurt with this decision, and of course the someone will  be ME!! Haishhhh~

Everything was going well for him and her until it was Ramadhan. I got news from my other friends that they have broke-up. Is a family matter actually. Am I relieved?? I was not. I didn't even pity him. I was trying to satisfy my feelings. I did not mean to be so mean to him but I know that was the only thing I could do to restrain myself from loving him again.

As the months passed by, as if fated, I came to start loving him again. AGAIN!! Gosh Shaz!! What is wrong with you?? Don't you have pride?? We settled problems together, discussed several issues together and even go out together (with a group of course!!) We became close again.

Somehow, my little besties came to know of my feelings towards him. They started to "match-make" me with him. They directed the matter to him, right at his face and mine. I pretended not to be aware. He tried avoiding it as well. In fact, I don't expect him to love me in return. Coz I know where I stand, never in his eyes nor his heart.

By now, after the "SPECIAL TREATMENT" by my besties, he must have known my feelings towards him. Every time in front of me, he likes to sweet-talk to my best buddy. He even mentioned that he would propose to my best buddy. MY HEART!!! It's going to break again..

And it was this afternoon that those things happened. Why do I deserve such treatment?? If this was his test, well, he has SUCCEEDED to make me cry my way back home, to the praying mat and onto bed. I am still crying while writing this post. 

It crossed my mind.. Why am I still loving a person who will not accept me?? Is this what people claim to be LOVE?? Love is supposed to be sweet, not tearful. SERIOUSLY, I ❤ YOU, PAKCIK. Before I left him for good the other day, I texted him through WhatsApp:

Assalam ********,

kte nk minta maaf selama bkawan kte dah byk wat awk kecik aty, sakit aty, meluat, menyampah, tsinggung, tguris dan mcm2 lg. kte xcukup matured pd usia kte. kte nak minta dihalalkan ilmu, nasihat & perkongsian awk dgn kte. terima kasih byk2!!

kte ni jenis ckp lepas, xreti nk jg aty kwn2. kte minta maaf! kte pon xtau pasni kte ada lg ke x nk tlg awk kalo awk perlukan ape2. kte xmampu nk tlg awk lebih2 sbb tu je kte tdaya.

kte harap awk dipermudahkan urusan mencari kerja baru. kte xdpt nk tlg awk. mungkin ada org lain yg sudi tlg awk atau sudi amik awk bkeje nnt. insyaAllah. kte hny ley doa dr jauh je.

nnt kalo awk keje jauh, jaga laa diri. jangan laa ulangi kesilapan yg sama. kalo xsihat, rujuk kpd yg pakar. nnt bila ada ms free, pegi laa check tekanan darah awk semula. yg hari tu mmg di luar keadn normal.

jgn wat mak susah aty. mak mmg xtunjuk, tp pasti ada. jaga adik2 baik2 trutama yg pompuan. dunia skrg dh lain.. tabahlah mengharungi idop!

terakhir skali, kte nak minta no. acc bank islam awk.. kte nak bayar hutang kte kat awk.. mungkin kte xbkesempatan dah nk jmpa dgn awk pasni. kte doakan awk akn lebih gembira & bahagia dpd skrg!

terima kasih utk segala-galanye.

p/s: jaga hbgn awk dgn Allah, pasti Dia akn jaga awk. 😃

I hope that he will lead a happy life from today on. I will try hard to forget him. If that is what he insist on. I will fulfill his wish. I will go far from him, from his mind, from his heart, from his life. InsyaAllah.. I know that Allah will give me the strength that I need!!

[credit to Google Images]

And currently I'm spending my time like this... Crying and crying and crying and keep on crying...

~ CHIEF ~